3 Common Relationship Problems that are Totally Normal (And Totally Fixable)
Here’s the truth about relationships…
Being in a romantic relationship (whether monogamous or non-monogamous) can be one of the most beautiful experiences life has to offer us as humans. AND it can also be one of the most challenging.
Many couples assume that if they’re fighting, snapping, or drifting apart there must just be something wrong with their relationship and maybe it’s not right for them at all. And yes, sometimes that is true. But largely, these things are normal relationship concerns – AND they’re truly pretty fixable.
In this post, we’re going to cover 3 of the most common relationship problems I see with couples. I’ll explain what they are, what they look like, why they’re way more “normal” than you think, AND what to do about them.
Snapping at Each Other - It’s more likely your nervous system than your partner
We’ve all been there: you’ve had a long day and you get home, and your partner says that one thing that just sets you off. Before you know it, you snap. Sometimes they give you a face and walk away, sometimes they snap back – back and forth, back and forth until it stalls or explodes. Eventually, you end up looking at each other thinking… “What the hell are we even fighting about?!?”
It's confusing, frustrating, exhausting…. AND totally explainable. Let me introduce you to an amazing concept pioneered by Dan Siegel called the thumb brain. The thumb brain’s entire job is to be on alert for danger. The fun part? It doesn’t really know the difference between emotional and physical pain, so it treats anything resembling threat the same way.
So back to that moment: you come home exhausted, already on high alert. Your partner says something like “What happened, why are you so late? or “Did you get the milk?”
Your thumb brain hears it – tone, words, past patterns - and flips into protection mode. That’s why you snap.
This doesn’t mean something's “wrong with you,” that you can’t understand each other, or that you suck at communicating. It just means that you need strategies to help your brain when it’s in that state.
Here are some brief ideas of what to do differently:
Take some time to get to know your own thumb brain: notice how it feels and what situations or words tend to trigger it.
When you’re “in thumb brain,” try to reduce the panic before snapping by taking a pause, paying attention to your breath, yawning, stretching - something to signal to your body that you’re safe.
When you’re ready, retune into your partner using a coregulation technique: a longer hug than usual, 10 seconds of eye contact, or holding hands and breathing together. This will help you both feel attenuated and safer.
Wanting Different Things - It’s actually really important to be individuals
While it’s certainly true that sometimes opposites attract, for many people the beginning stages of a relationship are about learning what we have in common. When we decide we share enough values, interests, or life experiences, we start building a sense of we. This is a super healthy and important part of growing a solid foundation for relationship(s).
Then, often somewhere between a year and two years in (though everything exists on spectrum), we start realizing that our partner(s) is more different than us that we realized. For many of us, this can cause a lot of fear: What if they’re not who I thought they were? How did I miss this? What if we’re no longer compatible?
These fears are incredibly normal. And sometimes, it’s true - people grow and change and sometimes decide that it doesn’t make sense to stay together anymore, and that’s completely okay. AND sometimes, noticing differences does not automatically mean a relationship is doomed.
In fact, this super-common experience is one of the most frequent reasons couples and relationships come into therapy. They want to figure out how to stay together while being different. Much of the work - hard work, honestly - is about starting to separate slowly back into the individual “I”s that made up the relationship “we” in the first place.
Together, we work to cultivate an understanding that one person wanting or needing something different is about them not necessarily about you. Supporting our partners is important, but that becomes impossible when we take on everything of theirs as our own.
If this feels hard to do on your own, you’re not failing - this is exactly the kind of work relationship therapy can help with.
Avoiding Hard Conversations - We really aren’t taught how to talk about hard things
Cue what is probably the most common conversation I have with clients:
Client: “Well, it really hurt me when he said that. I wish he would say it this way instead...”
Me: “That makes sense - what did he say when you shared that with him?”
Client: “What did he SAY? I didn’t TELL him, that’s crazy. He would have just gotten upset and the last thing I want s upset him.”
First of all… I totally get it. I’m not demonizing anyone here; this is a very human. AND when we avoid the hard conversation with our partner(s), we usually end up doing two things:
Robbing ourselves of the chance to get our needs met
Robbing our partner(s) of the opportunity to get to know us more deeply (which is often what we’re afraid of in the first place)
So why do we do it? One big reason is that humans don’t willingly walk into situations we expect to be painful. Our brains are wired to avoid discomfort, even when it causes bigger problems later. When something feels threatening, our nervous systems focus on immediate relief - however that’s possible - not long-term outcomes.
No one wants to open themselves up to hurt - for all kinds of reasons - and let’s face it – it’s just easier in the moment to avoid talking about hard things.
The important thing to know is that his pattern is common - and fixable. Avoiding hard conversations doesn’t mean you’re bad at relationships or incapable of communicating.
If it’s something you’d like to address, start small: use “I” statements. Name your own experience and feelings instead of blaming your partner. And try leading with curiosity about their perspective instead of jumping right to assumptions.
When to Get Outside Support
The other day on Snapchat, I saw one of those reels where they bring a broken-up couple back together to answer questions about their relationship. When asked why they broke up, one partner said they felt their problems could have been solvable, but that their partner didn’t agree. The partner explained that they believed if you needed outside support for your relationship, it means you’re not meant for each other - and you should just end it rather than drag it out.
This statement made me sad… and didn’t surprise me. There’s a pervasive societal story that relationships should be pretty “easy” if they’re the right ones, and anything that feels like work just isn’t working.
So, how do you know when it’s time to get outside support?
As a therapist, I’d admittedly biased. My honest answer is “anytime.” But since that’s not very helpful, let me share what I see most often in my own practice.
Of course, if you’re dealing with a crisis that affects you as a couple - a loss, infidelity, a big life change - that’s always a great time to seek outside support. AND you definitely don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from relationship therapy. Some of the best work I’ve done has been when people are in a ““we’re-okayish, but strained and ready to do this work” place.
For example:
You’ve considering a big transition (get engaged, move in together, have a child, open your relationship) and want support communicating honestly and openly.
You keep having the same small-ish arguments and can’t seem to find a new way through them.
You’ve been together a long time, you’ve both changed, and you want help staying connected as you grow.
Honestly, there are as many reasons to seek relationship therapy as there are relationships. Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous, married or dating, in a long-term or newer partnership – if you feel like having a grounded third party would help, that’s reason enough.
And, if you’re in Delaware or Pennsylvania (and Maryland soon!) and want relationship support, you’re welcome to reach out so we can chat and see if working together feels like a good fit.
The content on this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. Reading these posts does not create a therapeutic relationship with me, and the information provided is not a substitute for personalized therapy or professional medical advice. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please call 911, your local crisis line, or seek help from a licensed professional. The strategies and examples shared here are general in nature and may not be right for everyone—working with a licensed therapist provides individualized support tailored to your needs.
